Cry Me a River

...I would if I could! I mean I really want too, I want to cry inconsolably but the tears won't come.

Why? Well, the degree of disrespect and absurdness of the separation (leading to divorce) has been turned WAAYYYY UP. I think for nothing more than a reaction from me and since I won't react, he just keeps kicking it up a notch.

I want to cry to release the pinned up emotion but I can't. I don't know why the tears won't come but they won't. I want to cry like...this guy (For all of you that have viewed this clip before you know that it is a long clip so here is the abbreviated version):



Or like this:



So, instead of sitting home trying to cry I went to the library and checked out Drunk, Divorced, & Covered in Cat Hair: The True-life Misadventures of a 30-something Who Learned to Knit After He Split By Laurie Perry. I am hoping to find the humor in this situation instead of wallowing in the sadness.

I am on Chapter 22 of the book and I love it. I can relate to only some of it but it...is comforting my soul somehow. Maybe in my head I'm thinking "I'm glad I didn't do that" or "Dang, I should have done that" either way I can't put it down.

In reading this book I have found out a few thing about myself:

1. I have been trying to put my feelings into words and I can't seem too but she did

Page 77:
It is peculiar to be in your (mid-)thirties,becoming more divorced by the minute, and trying to figure out who you are as a person. Thinking back on your life and trying to pinpoint exactly where you turned left, detoured, went too fast or not fast enough...Remembering why it was so important for you to be married, always married.

2. I think I am on the "Divorce Diet".

Page79
When most folks go through a divorce they join gyms and go on diets and lose weight; I guess that's what they refer to as The Divorce Diet. it's all about looking your best in the face of adversity because getting thin is the best revenge.

I have always has the inept ability to look great on the outside and be a complete mess on the inside. It's what I do or did, I don't know yet. I'm not saying that I always have it together 'cause I don't but I have been a complete mess more than people may have realized. I think that is why I had the problem Saturday night.

I will NOT bow my head!

I will actually hold it a little higher; especially considering some of my creativity is coming back. I am loving my hair right now and the fact that I am doing things to it (other than my sorry puff and twist-out)makes me wanna hold it high. Peep the pics below:

What's Up, Chicken Butt?!

What's going on? I could go into my seperation, uncontested divorce vs. contested divorce, laywers, mucho bucks, nonesense thats going on in my life but I won't. Why? Say it with me...because "such it life" or because "it is what it is". That's the spirit.

So very close to thirty-one and how does it feel? Why did I just have a pic of D' Angelo's beautiful body flash before my very eyes? It feels...weird. I mean to some extent I have made peace with it or maybe it has been crowded out by the more important things? IDk but I do want Q and I to finish what we started. What did we start? The "30 Thing by 30" adventures we embarked on. I still have a grill (in the box may I remind you) that we purchase because neither one of us knows how to grill. It is Summer and we still eat (even with the Weight Watchers program) so, why not now. Well, not right now maybe next weekend (IDK gotta check Q's schedule)because this weekend we are off to a Tampa Bay...Lightening? No, that's hockey. What the heck are they?...Off to Google.

The Tampa Bay Storm!!! Go Storm!! (I am a huge fan! LOL!) We are going to see the Sabercats vs. the Storm (ask me where the Sabercats are from if you want but if I struggled with the Storm...) In my mind we are going to have a great time. We? Q, me, and the kids all of them (three) oh, and maybe my mom too. I am not overly into sport but I'm not against it either.

On another note, Q and I went to the beach. She burned and I got darker but I am loving my Summer glow. On a recent FaceBook comment my older brother noticed my "enriched color" but his comment wasn't polite. Boys drool! Anyway being outdoors in the warmth (some days here in FL down right HEAT) feels good. So I leave you with a pic of me enjoying the sun at the park this past weekend.






LuvYa!

Responsible? Since when?

I am up to my neck in life! I was lying in my bed last night thinking about all the things on my plate and it hit me. I am so busy putting the needs of other before my own and I am okay with that. Such is life right?.

I am in the process of moving (again!) and I needed to find the right house, not the perfect house, just one where I can maintain, live and relax. I realized that I am working practically the entire summer. I had one Friday off after school ended and summer school ends two weeks before school starts (but the week before school I have to report to work) so, that only leaves me one week. WOW! It could be worst. I thought I was going to spend my summer at the beach and maybe go visit my brother in California but...Such is life. I could be unemployed and homeless so, with that in mind I would rather be responsible and tired.

I have three children.
I have a mother.
I have a 7 year old Pom.
I have 4 Beta fish.
I have friends.
I have love (not romantic, no juicy post upcoming).
I have life.

Thirty In the City: June 2011

Thirty In the City features "The Thirty Girls" out and about, doing what we do, wearing what we wear, living how we live!

ATTENDING A COMPANY DINNER







DANCING THE NIGHT AWAY @ a THEMED PARTY

Unwell? Increasingly so.

I was working out Sunday afternoon in the park and I caught sight of this couple. They were running and playing, having a great time enjoying each other's company. One started to rub the back of the other and I felt...irritated by the sight of this. It truly bother me that I was letting the sight of a squirrel couple get to me. YES!, you read that correctly the couple that was irritating the snot out of me belonged to the animal kingdom. Squirrels. They were flaunting their love for each other in my face and all I could think about was that I truly wished my dog, Cubby, was like a regular dog. I wanted him to chase that squirrel couple, to break up their love feast, to scare the "squirrel nuts" (idk made it up)out of them.

This month makes six months that I've been separated with no chance of reconciliation and it SUCKS! it is on my mind constantly, not reconciliation but moving on. I want to go to sleep and it not be on my mind. I want to wake up and it not be on my mind. I want to have a discussion about short-term and long-term goals and it not be on my mind.

So, is it that I am lonely or is it...? I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm going crazy.

Weight Watchers

Tonight I weighed in and...I am back to the weight I was when we started the program. It is so very bitter sweet. After six months I of course expct to weigh less and I don't but I have lost the pounds I packed on for various reason which is just as good, if not better. I also have figured out what works for me and what doesn't so, hopefully the scale will continue to go down.



Weight Watchers Walk It 5K

How did that 5k go? Well, Q and I thought that the 5K would be...Awesome and it was!

We got up early (which is usually a problem for me, drove to Sarasota, pinned on our numbers and did our thing.

After the race I felt like I caught the bug and that I would compete in many races...I haven't signed up for one yet. Wonk, wonk! I know and I think I will blame that on circumstances and say that I would love to particupate in another race.

After the race I had a few technical issues. I made sure that I was very well hydrated before the race but I don't think I ate enough or drank enough after. I had a massive headache and my felt like it started to shut down. I couldn't keep my head up. I ended up taking a four hour nap after I ate and drank a very non-healthy lunch but I needed to do something. Lesson learned!

Are You A Blogger?

YES!...well, no. Sometimes. I have a blog but I haven't posted in months. Part-time blogger? If that.

So the purpose of this blog was for Q and I to have an outlet while dealing with the ups and downs of being 30 (dun dun dun DUN!). While our posting has been irregular...nonexistent the ups and downs of thirty have not. I don't know where to begin.

Weight
In January of this year I joined Weight Watchers and to date I have lost a little over one pound. Yes, you read correctly one pound. I stay within, if not under, my point allowance, I exercise and yet I cannot drop this weight. It's starting to weigh on me too (no pun intended). I have been successful at most of the thing I take on but this weight loss or lack there of makes me want to say UNCLE!

Q and I have signed up to run, what will be my first and her second, 5k! On May 22 we will off (or maybe I will just be down because I am a little unsure of myself when it comes to my endurance or lack there of).

So, you ask what about the car, your job, your love life? All in due time grasshopper.

Dueces!