This Feeling...Is One That I Do Not Like!

I feel like  my life is no longer mine.  I feel like I have lost all control, like I am riding on a rollercoaster.  A rollercoaster that advertised itself as being like the Dumbo ride at Disney.  A little exciting but never out of control but instead I have ended up on something like...Cheeta at Busch Garden.  How do I get off?

Cry Me a River

...I would if I could! I mean I really want too, I want to cry inconsolably but the tears won't come.

Why? Well, the degree of disrespect and absurdness of the separation (leading to divorce) has been turned WAAYYYY UP. I think for nothing more than a reaction from me and since I won't react, he just keeps kicking it up a notch.

I want to cry to release the pinned up emotion but I can't. I don't know why the tears won't come but they won't. I want to cry like...this guy (For all of you that have viewed this clip before you know that it is a long clip so here is the abbreviated version):



Or like this:



So, instead of sitting home trying to cry I went to the library and checked out Drunk, Divorced, & Covered in Cat Hair: The True-life Misadventures of a 30-something Who Learned to Knit After He Split By Laurie Perry. I am hoping to find the humor in this situation instead of wallowing in the sadness.

I am on Chapter 22 of the book and I love it. I can relate to only some of it but it...is comforting my soul somehow. Maybe in my head I'm thinking "I'm glad I didn't do that" or "Dang, I should have done that" either way I can't put it down.

In reading this book I have found out a few thing about myself:

1. I have been trying to put my feelings into words and I can't seem too but she did

Page 77:
It is peculiar to be in your (mid-)thirties,becoming more divorced by the minute, and trying to figure out who you are as a person. Thinking back on your life and trying to pinpoint exactly where you turned left, detoured, went too fast or not fast enough...Remembering why it was so important for you to be married, always married.

2. I think I am on the "Divorce Diet".

Page79
When most folks go through a divorce they join gyms and go on diets and lose weight; I guess that's what they refer to as The Divorce Diet. it's all about looking your best in the face of adversity because getting thin is the best revenge.

I have always has the inept ability to look great on the outside and be a complete mess on the inside. It's what I do or did, I don't know yet. I'm not saying that I always have it together 'cause I don't but I have been a complete mess more than people may have realized. I think that is why I had the problem Saturday night.

I will NOT bow my head!

I will actually hold it a little higher; especially considering some of my creativity is coming back. I am loving my hair right now and the fact that I am doing things to it (other than my sorry puff and twist-out)makes me wanna hold it high. Peep the pics below:

Unwell? Increasingly so.

I was working out Sunday afternoon in the park and I caught sight of this couple. They were running and playing, having a great time enjoying each other's company. One started to rub the back of the other and I felt...irritated by the sight of this. It truly bother me that I was letting the sight of a squirrel couple get to me. YES!, you read that correctly the couple that was irritating the snot out of me belonged to the animal kingdom. Squirrels. They were flaunting their love for each other in my face and all I could think about was that I truly wished my dog, Cubby, was like a regular dog. I wanted him to chase that squirrel couple, to break up their love feast, to scare the "squirrel nuts" (idk made it up)out of them.

This month makes six months that I've been separated with no chance of reconciliation and it SUCKS! it is on my mind constantly, not reconciliation but moving on. I want to go to sleep and it not be on my mind. I want to wake up and it not be on my mind. I want to have a discussion about short-term and long-term goals and it not be on my mind.

So, is it that I am lonely or is it...? I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm going crazy.

Special Occasion: 8th Wedding Anniversary

Can you believe that I have been married for 8 years? I can't either! Marriage is...hard! So many peaks and valleys and them more peaks and valleys followed by more peaks and valleys. There is so much that no one ever tells you about being married, I would say that someone should write a book about all the untold stories. That wouldn't work because of how each marriage varies that would be the world's largest book.

Year after year we have said that we wanted to go on a cruise because neither of us have ever been on one and THIS YEAR...we went on our first cruise! We took a three day Norwegian Freestyle Cruise to the Bahamas.

Three days of eating, sleeping, and drinking! I am so afraid of stepping this big butt of mine on a scale. :0 The first day we arrived in the Bahamas at 7am. We rented a scooter and rode around seeing the sights. After returning the scooter we decided that we would walk the island until we didn't want to walk anymore. The people were so nice and they kept yelling: "Stay on the left!" when we were on the scooter even though we were indeed on the left side of the road. I AM SO IN LOVE WITH SKY JUICE!! I wish I was a baby and all my bottles were filled with it. LOL! After drinking Sky Juice at a local restaurant the drink on the boat just couldn't compete.


This post was never published until today June 7, 2011. I found it and struggled with posting it or deleting it. Why? Right after we returned from the cruise I was blindsided and my husband and I separated. I see no reconciliation in the future and I am navigating the world of divorce.